Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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