dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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