How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize