If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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