I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
