I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Randomize
