Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
