Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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