i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
