i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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