i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize