dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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