he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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