My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
