She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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