Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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