I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I need water and some morals
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
