I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
