just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
