Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
