If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I'd cum for enchiladas.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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