My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
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