Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
