There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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