I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
