my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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