The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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