and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
