tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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