i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
