Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
