Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
