This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
