I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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