SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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