saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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