You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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