be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
