I wannas sexs uuuuu
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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