i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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