An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
It's never too late to be topless.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm both gender and math confused
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
