we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
