We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize