there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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