Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
