Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
