it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
