Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
