She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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