pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
