my phone needs a breathalizer
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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