based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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