I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
