He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
