worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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