I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
