Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
