you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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