He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
When are your genitals available?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
