At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
