After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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