Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
