I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Welp...herpes.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
