at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
