he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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