my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize