i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
This is the high leading the old right now
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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